Sometimes someone comes to you with a question, and from the way they ask it you can already tell they actually know the answer. They are not looking for information. They are looking for confirmation.
“I would do it this way, is that okay?”
“I think we should do this, what do you think?”
“Can I solve it this way?”
At first, that can look like a lack of independence. But over time I have realised that the reason is not always the person.
Sometimes people are not unsure about the answer, but about the consequence of the decision
Someone may know perfectly well what needs to be done, but still be unsure what will happen if the decision turns out to be wrong. If they have learned over time that mistakes are remembered for a long time, that decisions are often questioned afterwards, or that asking is safer than taking a risk, it is completely logical that they will seek confirmation.
In that case, the question is not only why the person does not decide on their own, but also what kind of environment we have created for decision-making.
If I always give the answer, I teach people to always ask
This is where a manager can easily fall into a trap as well. When you know the answer, the quickest thing is simply to give it. The problem is solved in thirty seconds and everyone moves on. But if I do that ten times, I can very quickly end up with someone who does not even try to decide for themselves the eleventh time.
That is why I increasingly find it useful to return the question: “What do you think we should do?” Very often, the person immediately says exactly what I would have said.
At that point, they may not need my solution. They need confirmation that they are allowed to make the decision.
Autonomy cannot simply be demanded
It is easy to say that we want independent people. It is harder to genuinely leave them enough room to be independent. If we expect people to take responsibility, we also have to accept that they will not solve every situation exactly the way we would.
For me, that is perhaps the biggest difference between delegating a task and delegating responsibility. With a task, I say what needs to be done. With responsibility, I have to leave enough room for the person to decide how they will get to the result.
Not every question is a problem
Of course, I do not think people should stop asking questions. There are decisions where it is completely normal to seek a second opinion, especially when they carry more risk or affect other people.
What concerns me more is when the same person asks for confirmation on things they already have enough knowledge, experience and authority to handle. Then I try to understand what is actually missing. Information? Experience? Clearer boundaries of responsibility? Or simply the confidence that it is okay to occasionally make a decision that will not be perfect?
My goal is not for people to stop asking me questions
My goal is for them to think first before they ask. There is a big difference between “What should I do?” and “I would do this for these reasons — do you see anything I am missing?”
In the second case, the person is already taking responsibility for the thinking and the decision. The manager is no longer someone who provides every answer, but someone who helps check the direction when needed. That is a much healthier relationship for me.
Trust also shows in how often we feel we need permission
If people constantly need confirmation for things they can realistically solve on their own, it may not be enough to simply tell them to be more independent. It is also worth looking at how we react when they genuinely make decisions themselves.
Because it is difficult to ask people to take responsibility if we do not give them enough room to actually carry it.
Autonomy does not begin when people stop asking questions. It begins when they already have their own answer before they ask.